Nipple wars.
I have vanquished you, lord Phil.
Now I am the master.
Oh, that hurt! How the [bleep] did you not feel that?
I was born without nerve endings in my nipples.
I kept this a secret from you for many years.
Only now do you truly understand the--
You ass.
Nipple wars.
Welcome to Secret Girlfriend
The first show starring you.
These are your friends.
This is your ex.
This is the girl you're hiding from your ex.
Secret girlfriend.
Welcome to your world.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
So you guys are coming out with us tonight, right?
Oh, hells no. My nuts hurt way too much to get off this couch.
Ditto on the nips. Why? what's up?
We're going with my roommate to see her girlfriend's show.
Hold on. rewind a second.
Your roommate's a she and Her girlfriend's a she?
Uh, yeah.
Lesbians.
You know, that Jessica's a real sweetheart.
I bet she keeps her privates exquisitely well manicured.
Yeah, but good luck getting to it.
Jessica's not a sprint, dude. She's a marathon
And you got to train for marathons.
Oh, and remember that german chick who [bleep] herself at mile 25?
That was sick.
She had to run that last mile with crap running down her leg.
That could be you.
No *** too rich for my b--
On sale.
Hey, do we have budget for a mixer?
Frodo, scope is not a mixer.
Maybe not in your world. I mix it with scotch.
- I call it *** - I call you a douche.
- Check it. - Ladies.
Who's boarding the "scotch" train with me, huh? Choo-choo!
No? just me? All right.
Here you go. Hey, we're together on this, right?
That's pretty phallic. I'm Phil.
Hi.
I'm like a kid in a carpet store.
Hey, guys. Way to rally.
Come meet my roommate Sasha.
- Oh, my sweet lord ganesh. - I told you.
Pretty hot, right? Too bad she likes girls.
I'd get a sex change just to scissor her.
I'm Phil. You're gorgeous. Let's make some mistakes.
You know I like chicks, right?
I went through a guy phase. We could do this.
Why did no one tell me this exists?
Wait till Cassidy comes out. You'll freak.
This is amazing.
Here she comes.
I can take her.
If you steal her girl, she'll steal your penis
And use it in her act.
Does anybody want a drink? I'll have a white russian.
When your crotch was on fire-- Yeah.
And I loved the whips.
Thank you. thank you.
How does that not hurt you?
Yeah. Feels good, right? Dude, that's me and don't stop.
Yeah, sam, that's just--
A scooch lower. Oh.
Never been to a lesbian bar before.
I'm excited/terrified/hard/soft.
I'm just terrified and hard.
How good is this place? Even the beers on tap are butch.
If there's a heaven, and I know there isn't, it's this bar.
I've fallen in love, like, 40 times since we walked in.
You know none of the girls here want to sleep with you?
I know. At most bars it takes till, like, 4:00 a.m. to figure that out.
Bye-bye, pressure.
I just wish they had appletinis, you know?
I'm telling you. My penis looks really weird.
- Like, how weird? - Like, you-got-to-see-this weird.
- Really? - Step one, build curiosity.
Step two--
Hey, check out sam.
Hi.
Oh, my god.
She totally thinks he's a she.
This could get fun.
This is amazing, but I'm getting tired.
Dehydration's a problem for me.
- Could we sit down? - Sure.
There's a really dark corner over there. We don't even need to talk.
We'll just use our mouths for something else.
Eating?
Oh, frenching. Frenching!
You haven't been with many girls, have you?
No, ma'am. I have not.
When that girl gets to third base, it's gonna get ugly.
Sure. go.
See if you can find the men's room in this place.
- Try the other one. - Okay.
- No. - Seriously, you don't feel this at all?
Trust me. I'm as bummed as you are.
You have gorgeous breasts.
- Hmm, you taste like a girl scout cookie. - That's my ***
- It's scotch and scope. - Okay.
- Just get away from me! - What?
What's going on?
This thing that I was making out with has a dick
And I just found out the hard way.
Classic! She thought he was both!
Wait. What do you mean? Of course I have a dick. That's a thing that guys have.
It didn't occur to you when I was complimenting you on your breasts
That I thought you were a girl?
He does have a sweet rack
- What are you trying to pull? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. hands off the she-male.
- Get your finger out of my face. - What are you gonna do about it?
- Sasha, a little help? - You're on your own, man.
I don't believe this. I trust you enough to show you my dick
And you can't even get my back?
You showed my girlfriend your junk?
Just the tip and the balls. Don't!
Where are you going, pretty boy?
Lesbians!
- Punch like a girl. - I do not punch like a girl.
- Hey. - Ow! ow! ow! ow!
Hey! hey! hey! leave him alone! Would you keep her under control, please?
Jess, come on!
So I guess our friends hate each other.
Sasha said seeing phil's dick made her 10% more gay.
But I had a really fun time dancing with you tonight.
Better run.
This was memorable? I'll call you.
So what do you do for menstrual cramps?
Dude, shut up. She hurt my feelings.
Well, at least she touched your weeble,
Breaking a dry spell of how long?
Six months.
So for bikini season, do you wax or shave?
Oh, I epilady that bitch, sucker.
Oh, Sam, come on. Open a window.
Oen a [bleep]-- Sam, open a window.
- Minty? - ***
There's a little bit of [bleep] in there too, huh? Yeah.
Nipple wars.
Tonight.
The trilogy ends.
Oh, my god! The feeling's back!
This is Secret Girlfriend. Welcome to your world.
So I was just feeling totally stressed out ***
and I think he meant that I should pray to them or something, which sounds weird,
But it is totally helping.
Anyway, they are so much like us, it is scary.
Um, excuse me? Over here.
Anyway, a guy in florida says animals
Can understand far more than you think.
And there's this species, right, called the orangutan
And apparently they can send text messages to each other back and forth.
But who cares about what amazing [bleep]
I'm blabbing about when you have other whores to stare at, right?
In the past hour that we have been sitting here,
You've done nothing but check out other chicks.
I see what you're doing.
You're trying to make me jealous.
Bad move, buddy. Bad move.
Oh, I like the way you refill water.
How was dinner with Mandy?
Let me guess. crazy, enormo-rack.
Crazy, crazy, tiramisu. Oh [bleep] I got to take this.
Hi, this is Phil.
Oh, okay, darling, listen. The first thing I need you to do is to stop crying.
His new cell phone number's one digit away from a crisis hotline.
He's been getting a lot of calls.
Hey, check out my new video.
Fart Ninja.
Silent but deadly
Oh, dude! Who did that?
You are so funny, Sam.
Here we go again "huh?" And I'm all like "Oh Sam" And you're like "huh?"
Oh, hi. Don't mind me.
I'm just here for Sam. We're just hanging.
Well, I should probably go. Bye, Sam.
Okay, here's the deal: She was all bored and stuff until you walked in,
Then all of a sudden she's on my [bleep] Like a fly,
Which can mean only one thing: She wants amenage aus.
Now frankly it's not something I'm into,
But I'm a team player, so okay, yes, I'll do it.
Couple of ground rules:
We both wear shirts.
And face in opposite directions whenever possible
Lastly, I call north end of Mandy.
I'm afraid that's non-negotiable.
I figured this way we'll work up a good sweat,
And then when we get beers with lunch we won't feel bad about it
Race ya.
Were you slow getting up the hill or were you just checking out my ass?
What was that?
Aww. I'm in your head.
Yeah, I'm in your head.
Fart Ninja.
Elevator ambush.
Who knew talking people off the ledge
Was such a great way to meet ladies?
Her daddy issues took about 15 minutes to work through.
And me banging her took about two.
My problem is I just care too goddamn much about people.
Yeah, this is Phil.
Wrong number, Eric.
I got [bleep] to do here, crybaby.
Saving lives.
That's my sweet little pooper.
Yes, you are.
Good girl.come on.
Sam, there he is.
Help me out. Rub this on me.
Ah, oh, Sam. Your hands feel like stubby little pleasure tentacles.
Now rub my front, you big, sexy-- Oh.
Hi.
Don't complain.
You don't own me.
Do I complain when you hang out with some whore named Jessica?
That's right. I check your email.
So you can't tell me what to do with my life either.
Got it? Look at sam. He gets me.
God damn it, Sam! Do you not know how lotion works?
As a matter of fact, I know a lot about how lotion works.
Are you sad, lonely, depressed?
Do you feel this way despite how hot you look?
Get back to life your deserve.
With me. Phil.
Life back with Phil
For ladies only. se habla espanol.
Phil.
Classic business move.
Find a need. fill it.
Little thing i like to call ***
I wanted you to know I am taking Mandy to a demonstration today.
We are protesting a fast-food establishment
That specializes in the raping of our precious bovine resources.
Mandy is a woman who cares deeply about many issues.
Animals.
- The environment. - Oh, the environment.
And I understand her in a way you never did.
Nailed it! Let's go, Sam.
He's filling her needs.
That's my sweet little pooper.
Excuse me, hot neighbor.
If you keep cleaning up after your canine,
I'm going to need a cleanup on aisle my pants.
You are impossibly handsome.
I would like for you to give me a bone.
Instant classic. Nice work.
Oh, hey, Kim. Just head back into the room. I'll be right in, okay?
Yeah, actually,
I don't think we should be doing this anymore.
I mean, I'm feeling fine.
Uhh, that's called a false fine.
First sign of a major relapse. Textbook.
You're a [bleep] idiot, Phil
Without me, I give you three weeks tops,
Heartbreaker!
- Are you Phil? - Are you my 2:30?
Shh. just put one of these on.
It's like stealing candy from a grocery store.
Honey!
I told you to bring the room key.
You always do this. you're so irresponsible.
It's why my father won't trust you with the business.
Excuse me, ma'am. I can go ahead and let you folks right in.
Thank you.
Your wife's a very lucky woman.
You have no idea.
I told you. Works every time.
Isn't this amazing?
Wait.
There's something I have to tell you.
We've been going out for two years.
And things have just been really weird between me and him lately.
And then I met you.
And you're just awesome and I thought--
I don't know.
I shouldn't have led you on like that.
I'm so sorry.
I totally get it if you just deleted me as a friend.
Isn't that your buddy?
An unusual incidentdowntown today as a group of vegans.
Demonstrated outside a fast-food establishment.
The rally started peacefully, but when protesters began
Removing their clothing and streaking nakeddown the road,
The police had to intervene. One man was injured during the clash that followed.
Oh, my god. He wanted me to edit this.
Look, Mandy, I don't know how comfortable I am with this.
It's the only thing that's gonna make him jealous.
Okay, now shut up and strip naked
And make it sexy.
- I just don't see how this is sexy. - Shut up.
Non-verbal. Play the camera.
Take it off.
- I want to go home. - Stop talking.
- I want to go home. - Oh, damn it, Sam!
But this feels so wrong. I mean, what if he finds this tape?
I'm really giving it to you.
Yes, you really, really, are, Sam!
Oh, Sam. Sam, this is so much better than anything I've--
God damn it, Sam! Do you now know you're in the shot?
You're still shooting? Dude, it gets better and better each time.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Look, I don't know how much clearer I could be, Mandy, okay?
It is over between us.
You're like a girlfriend without any of the good parts.
I'm breaking up with you.
Oh, breaking up? No. We were never even dating.
Oh, god. Like I would ever date you.
This is so us.
Ah! don't touch me. Your hands, they smell like hot dogs.
What the hell are you looking at?
I'm over here, buddy.
***
Phil.
That was me two weeks ago shamelessly
Trying to use a lucky phone number
For my own sexual gratification.
- Sick, right? - Creepy.
I've changed a lot since then.
But I still need help getting my life back on track.
I need a special caring lady,
Preferably one who works out a lot,
To help nurture me back to mental health.
Is that lady's name you?
*** Phil.
Again, still for ladies only.
Transcript by cRaZyMaGgOt www.Addic7ed.com